Crying Sky
by potionsmaster
Summary: Kaidan remembers some painful memories at the orchard and has a heart-to-heart with his mother, Mina. Warning: there be feelz here. *Wish You Were Here* universe. Warning: **MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH**


_**Crying Sky**_ , by potionsmaster

Rating: T for language. Major Character Death

Summary: Kaidan remembers some painful memories at the orchard and has a heart-to-heart with his mother, Mina. Warning: there be feelz here.

A/N: November flash fic! Theme is 'Rain'.

* * *

It was cold and raw, heavy gray clouds soaking the hard ground in a slow patter of cumbersome drops. Kaidan stifled a sigh and shoved his hands deeper in the pockets of his sherpa jacket, curling in on himself against the chill. The swing creaked under his weight as he shifted.

' _John, I...wish you were here…'_ he thought, swallowing hard, ' _You should be sitting here with me again, watching the stars, and...'_

He rubbed a hand across his eyes, corners moist. It had been less than a year since they had sat in the same spot on the porch at his parents' orchard, knees touching, gazing at the night sky full of hope about the future. And what it might hold for them. Together.

The wood groaned a little behind him. He didn't bother to turn around; he knew his mother was checking on him.

"You can sit down, you know," he said dully, staring out across the yard. "You don't have to lurk."

Mina carefully sat down next to him on the swing, tucking a leg underneath herself. They sat in silence for a while, watching the steady rain. She gently shoved her foot against the deck planks, making the swing wobble unevenly; Kaidan was leaning on his knees and his side didn't move much. A thin smile ghosted across his lips as he glanced at her.

"You doing alright?"

"What do you think, Ma?"

"Talk to me, pumpkin. Please."

"Don't call me that…"

"Tough shit. I'm your mother; it's in my contract. I get to call you frivolous nicknames."

He snorted through his nose and folded his legs onto the cushion of the swing.

"Well, when you put it that way," he mumbled, staring off at the barn again. Silence enshrouded them once more, thick and stale on his tongue. Mina shoved off of the porch again, setting the swing in motion.

"You know, you used to love it when we did this while you were younger. 'Go faster!' That's all we'd hear in between you laughing. I loved hearing you laugh. You had a way of making the world a little brighter when you did."

"Sorry...I...there's not a whole lot for me to laugh about right now."

"I know...Want some tea? Something warm?"

He blinked and didn't answer. The rain picked up in intensity, drops splashing in the puddles in the gravel leading up to the barn. Mina shivered, observing her son. His shoulders hunched in the chill, face pale and pinched. The uneasy quiet between them stretched, straining from all the unsaid words. He finally muttered something and shook his head at himself, still staring at the sodden yard.

"I'm sorry, pumpkin, didn't catch that."

Kaidan dropped his head and screwed his eyes shut.

"I said, ' _The sky is crying_ '..."

He exhaled sharply, jaw clenched. His mother cocked her head to the side.

"Huh. I suppose it is. I've never thought about it that way before. Did you just come up with that now? That's pretty clever."

Kaidan swallowed hard again and shrugged deeper in the fleece-lined jacket. He angrily wiped a hand across his eyes again.

"No, uh...Shepard said that. When we were here for shore leave."

The swing rocked back and forth, providing a metronome to the music of the rain. She remained quiet, watching. Waiting.

"It was mid-morning. You were in the barn, Pop was at work. Shepard was still in his sweats, standing in front of the window in the dining room. Watching the rain." He gave a shuddering sigh. "Had his arms crossed and holding his usual mug of tea. I didn't think he knew I was there, but he must've. He...didn't turn around at all, but he, um. He said, 'Sky's crying. Someone needs to cheer it up.'" Kaidan shook his head slowly, eyes unseeing. "And that was it. He took a sip of his tea and kept staring. I dunno how long we stood and watched. But it was peaceful."

Mina nodded.

"You two really seemed to enjoy each other when you were here. It was nice to see you have a friend again..." she said gently. Cautiously.

"Yeah... _friend…_ " he laughed bitterly. "No regs against being _friends_ with your CO."

" _Ah_. I see...Something else he said?"

There had been a question between her and Albert back in March when both of them had come to the orchard on shore leave whether or not their relationship was friendship or something more. Kaidan had been very close-lipped about it. Any time she commented on it, Albert just shook his head. 'Not your business,' he had said, 'And even if they are, as long as he's happy. Right?' She didn't really know how to broach the subject.

"Yep. Back on the SR1. I thought he was nosy back then, always asking questions about people. I guess looking back he might have been a little lonely."

"Was that why you brought him here?" she asked, shoving the swing again.

"Maybe…? I dunno, Ma. Seemed like the right thing to do. He was just going to stay in the barracks otherwise. I didn't want to see him not have a break, y'know?"

She pursed her lips.

"He was lucky he had you, then. I doubt many people think that about their superior."

Kaidan gave a self-deprecating smile, humorless and sad.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. Lucky."

"You were lucky, too. John was an incredible person. The galaxy is emptier without him."

His breath hitched at that. Seconds dripped by into minutes. Mina glanced down, giving him privacy to gather himself.

"I miss him," he finally whispered. She nodded.

"I miss him, too. He was something else. For as much as he'd been through? He overcame a lot. Remarkable man. Certainly made an impression in the short time you guys were here."

He didn't say anything, staring at the ground.

"You should let me wash that, pumpkin…" she continued, reaching out to adjust his hood. "I don't know where John squirreled it away after you two left, but it's filthy."

Kaidan ducked out from under her hand, hunching his shoulders again.

"No."

"Seriously, Kaid, it's got horse snot all over the sleeve, and god knows what on the back-"

"I said _no_ ," he snapped, not meeting her eyes.

She blinked, taken aback.

"Alright…" she said quietly. "Leave it by the washer whenever you're done with it, then." The swing creaked and moved off-kilter as she got up and started to go back in the house.

"Ma?"

She glanced over her shoulder at the trembling voice, catching his mournful gaze. His eyes were red-rimmed.

"It's all I have left of him," he whispered, fighting not to show any more than he already had. There was a lump in his throat he couldn't seem to get rid of.

"Oh, pumpkin..."

Mina sat next to him again and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. A silent sob escaped, wracking his body. She kissed the top of his head and rocked them back and forth. He couldn't help thinking it was similar to how she used to hug him as a kid, his head pressed against her chest so he could hear her heartbeat, steady, strong, and reassuring.

"How long?" she asked after a while.

"Hmm?"

"Were you dating, I mean. How long."

"I...wouldn't exactly call it _dating_ , per se. Regs and all that shi-um. Stuff. But the interest was there for a long time. On both our parts."

"I wondered. Your father and I both did."

"Yeah. I think Pop knew before I did, even."

"Not surprising. He pointed out John was the first person you had ever brought home since BAaT, 'friend or otherwise', as he put it."

The rain continued in a constant rhythm, drowning out any little thoughts floating through his mind.

"You know…" she started. He felt her voice thrumming in her chest more than heard it. "Just because you don't always see the lightning when you hear the thunder doesn't mean it isn't there in the background…" Kaidan glanced up at her. She gave him a kind smile and smoothed his hair off his forehead. "And just because John isn't here with you now doesn't mean you don't carry him with you."

They rocked back and forth, letting the peace and drumming of raindrops wash over them. A tear slipped over the bridge of his nose.

"It hurts so goddamn much…" he breathed. "You know what else he would always say?"

"What, baby?"

"It started as a joke. Turned into a promise. ' _You go, I go_.'"

She nodded.

"We would say it to each other before a difficult mission to let the other one know they weren't alone. I couldn't follow him this time. He...he wouldn't let me," Kaidan choked. "He told me to go, _ordered_ me to, and...and I did. I left him. I should've stayed, Ma, should've-"

Another sob heaved in his chest as his mother held him tight.

"Kaidan…" she murmured, combing her fingers through his hair. "You did what you had to. Nobody blames you for anything."

"I know that. I was a good soldier and followed my orders. Got as many of the crew in the escape pods as I could. Big goddamn hero, right?" He scoffed. "And now...now I have to live with the consequences. _Fuck_ …"

"John wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this, pumpkin. He knew what he was doing...he wouldn't have wanted you to go down with the ship. He…" her voice wavered for a moment. "He made it so you could come home. That means _everything_ to me. And to the families of the people you saved. He who saves one life saves the world entire, you know."

"I'm happy about that, but I wish...I wish it didn't have to be at the cost of _him_. And...and I know this is going to sound awful, but-" He exhaled sharply. "But part of me wishes I didn't survive. And I know that's terrible to say, I just…"

Tears gathered on his lashes like raindrops on a spiderweb.

"He chose _me_. Twice, now. On Virmire...you say I'm 'lucky'? I don't deserve it. I'm no better that him. Or Ash. Why do I get to escape death? I'm beginning to think people around me should keep their distance. They get too close, that's it. Shepard. Ash. Jenkins..." His voice broke. "I know this is going to hurt for a while. And I don't think I'll ever truly be 'alright'...but it will get easier, right? As time goes on." He cleared his throat and pulled away from Mina, sitting up again. "Someone has to carry on, and in this case, it's me. Again. The sky is crying, alright. It's weeping for everyone, and me most of all."

She wiped a tear off her own face.

"Kaidan, I...I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing you _can_ say. I think I'd like to be alone again...if you don't mind."

"Of course, pumpkin...take all the time you need."

Mina went into the house and softly closed the door, leaving him to his thoughts. The rain fell quieter now, hushed whispers in the cool air. He bowed his head, burying his nose in the fleece of the sherpa jacket. The muted scent brought memories drifting up to the surface again, replaying in his mind for the untold millionth time.

Shepard wearing it the first time he was introduced to the pony and horses. The first time he rode Cinder. Grabbing it instead of his N7 hoodie to help feed the herd at night, distributing flakes of hay and filling water buckets.

Riding double on Wraith in the storm that fateful last day of shore leave. The jacket had been soaked through by the time they had reached the barn. Shepard had peeled it off with a smirk, noticing Kaidan was eyeing him in his wet shirt, the white, translucent cloth clinging to his sculpted body like a second skin. The rain had slacked off into a steady rhythm by the time Shepard had pulled him into the hay storage, same as today. He stood up and leaned on the rail, sticking his hand palm up in the rain. The cold drops speckled on his skin in random patterns. Kaidan brought his fingers to his lips, droplets transferring with a delicate shiver. He closed his eyes, reliving the kiss.

Cold lips and skin from the rain, heating up under his touch. Breathless need. Their hearts pounding in their chests, flutters of nerves in their stomachs. Neither wanted to let the other go. Even now, he could feel his pulse quicken at the memory of John's lips on his. He licked his lips and sighed.

Rain would never be the same for him again.


End file.
